The Most Important Word for the HSP

There is one very small, but very important, word that is essential for the highly sensitive person to learn.

But we struggle to say it.

Sometimes it even hurts to say it.

It makes us feel bad.

It makes us feel like we’re letting other people down 

It makes us feel like a disappointment. 

The word?

No.

That’s it.

Only two letters. N.O.

It doesn’t look like much when you write it down like that.

But is there any word that strikes fear into the heart of the HSP more than this?

Why?

We feel things deeply.

This is usually the first thing you read when you go search for information about high sensitivity. We have a supercharged central nervous system, meaning we can pick up on other people’s moods and emotions.

We feel what they feel. To the point that it can affect us.

If somebody is sad, we feel their sadness and feel sad too. If they are angry, we feel the anger. And so on.

This can be a strength if we are in the people helping professions. But it can also be the biggest of the HSP challenges 

We people please.

This is probably the second thing you will read in your research.

Highly sensitive people are notorious people pleasers.

When we sense a need, a hurt, or an opportunity to help, we’re there.

Why?

When we help people, it makes them feel good. And because we feel things deeply, we feel them feeling good. Which makes us feel good.

If we don’t help them, our fear is that they won’t feel good. If we say ‘no’, they might even feel worse. They might even be upset with us.

And that is something a HSP will avoid at all costs.

So we simply say ‘yes’.

Even if it makes life harder for us.

We put ourselves last.

There are many things that could contribute to this.

Family of origin. 

Trauma.

Religious beliefs.

For the HSP, it seems to be our default setting.

Putting ourselves last, means putting everybody else first. Which means they will be happy. And that feels good.

Until we burn out.

Or our relationships fracture. 

Or we miss important things in our own lives.

We do it so often that it doesn’t even occur to us that we can value ourselves more.

It seems too selfish to do that.

And people might get cross at us.

Learning to say ‘No’.

The reality is that people keeping asking things of us because we have a reputation of saying ‘yes’.

But their lives wouldn’t be over if we said ‘no’.

They would just ask somebody else for help.

They wouldn’t hate us.

They wouldn’t judge us.

They would most likely recognise that we have our own lives and responsibilities that sometimes we have to focus on.

Which is, well, normal.

Learning to say ‘no’ means we learn to value ourselves. 

It means we learn to value our time.

It means we learn to prioritise things differently to ensure we have the energy and headspace for our days.

It creates boundaries.

It’s not every going to be easy (though it will become easier) and we’ll still feel awkward about it at times.

But we can do it.

Homework.

I work as a therapist with highly sensitive people. 

It’s my job to give homework.

So this is yours for the coming week.

When somebody asks you to do something, say ‘no’.

Tell them you can’t help out at the moment.

Tell them you’re not available. You don’t have to give a reason why.

Start to practice saying ‘no’.

And, say ‘yes’ to yourself.

– Matt Glover