I’m writing this in real time.
I’m sitting at my desk, feeling anxious and sick because of some conflict that I was involved in yesterday and that is likely to continue for the next year or so.
In short, an old house next to my property was demolished recently and a new one built in its place. During the building process, parts of my property were damaged. I’ve treaded as carefully as I could over the last year trying to get the damaged fixed by the builder and yesterday it just all exploded.
The building firm is blaming the demolition firm. The demolition firm is blaming the builder. The local council is backing away quietly and wants to involvement. Which meant this morning, I’ve approached consumer affairs to work out what my legal options are.
I’ll staring at my lap top screen and my stomach is churning.
My high sensitivity is ringing every alarm bell it can.
“The builder is going to get aggressive”
“The demolition guy is going to fire bomb your house”
“It’s all your fault. Just be quiet”
“Maybe you can get a second job and pay for the repairs yourself”
I barely slept last night because of the anxiety. It’s a bit harder to see things clearly today because I’m so tired.
And around and around and around it goes.
Real time.
Conflict.
High sensitivity.
It sucks.
Not my first rodeo. Or my last.
I generally think of myself as a gentle person. I hope people see me as kind.
But I seem to have landed in the middle of some big conflicts in my journey.
I once lost not just a job, but an entire career because I stood up for a marginalised group of people. I was a minister in the church and supported marriage equality. After having to justify my stance in front of a group of 250 angry Christians, I was suspended for three months and then had to walk away. The ensuing cascade of hate mail, death threats and police protection pressed every button I had.
A few years later, my then wife sat my two sons and I down at the kitchen table and informed us the marriage was over. No correspondence would be entered into. My world was shredded in an instant.
Both of these scenarios resulted in me feeling like I do right now.
Sick.
But, I know I’ve got through it before. I’ll get through it again. Both now and whatever surprises come in the future.
What I’ve learnt about my High Sensitivity and conflict.
This is what I’ve learnt about myself and my high sensitivity when it comes to conflict.
- My people pleasing sends me to the default position that it is all my fault
- My people pleasing also makes me think it is my responsibility to fix it
- If somebody is angry or aggressive towards me, every single person I know must feel the same way
- The panic that sets in makes we want to fix it all straight away
- I become agitated, distracted, and if I’m completely honest, not very rational
What I try to tell myself (and a big reason of why I’m writing this article in real time)
- Its not my fault. I might have some responsibility, but just own what is mine to own
- Others are not affected by it anywhere near as much as I am, and have likely forgotten all about it
- I’m allowed to make mistakes. And learn from them.
- Before doing anything, allow myself reset time.
My reset time.
My “reset time” is that period of time that I need for my central nervous system, to calm itself back down. For me it’s 48 hours.
After two days, I’m generally in a much better state of mind and can rationally see what’s been going on and the validity (or not) of my response. I can then commit to a course of action based on what I’m trying to achieve in the long term, rather than just on making things feel better.
In my 48 hours of reset time, I will try to do as much of the following as I can.
- Spend time in nature
- Talk it through with a friend
- Get some exercise
- Get some sleep
- Journal my thoughts and feelings
- Plan some possible ways forward
Reality check
I am always, ALWAYS, going to struggle with conflict.
That is my reality as a HSP.
But like all aspects of being highly sensitive, I am learning to manage it as best I can.
Writing this article, right now, has been the form of journalling I needed to take the edge off the anxiety. I feel a little better. I don’t know what the outcome of the building dispute will be, but there is hope moving forward and a course of action is forming in my head.
I’m half way through my 48 hours of reset time. I’ll stop here and write a short conclusion after another 24 hours.
***
Final Thoughts
It’s a few weeks later now.
The conflict I’ve mentioned continues, but other things in life took over that I needed to direct my energy too. I didn’t have the space to write how I was feeling at he 48 hour mark.
As I read back over the story now though, I wonder who that person was. How could he have been so worked up? Why was it all such a big deal for him? Why was his thinking so scattered?
Why?
My high sensitivity.
Again, I realise that I need to give myself my reset time before I see it clearly. And if other things take over, I can come back to it later. If at all.
I see the conflict with the builder more clearly. I’ve spoken with my neighbour. We’ve put a plan together. Plus have a plan B as well.
It’s all ok.
I’m ok.
Until the next thing…..
– Matt